Especially I recommend this newly written article by Ellen, entitled "OCD and I", see: https://ellensocdblog.wordpress.com/2015/07/28/ocd-and-i/ .
Just one small caveat. Be sure you've got a handkerchief - or maybe two - at your side because when you read Ellen's text (and for heaven's sake, don miss all the commentaries) you'll get your eyes full of inspirational tears to wipe off.
Here's a quote from the introduction of Ellen's blog "OCD and I":
For as long as I can remember, you have been a part of my life. No matter the time, the location or the season, you were always there, instilling negativity and horror with every step I took. I was haunted by your ever growing existence, yet I clung onto you as if my life depended on it.
You influenced my every decision, I couldn’t function without your presence. Yes, maybe I could walk down the left side of the pavement without the inevitable consequence of my loved ones dying, but you would slowly trickle those all too familiar thoughts of doubt into my mind. Infecting every corridor of rational thinking and slowly poisoning that small, sacred part of independence I had left.
Then whispering those all too familiar words, echoing through my being. “What if Ellen, what if.” My internal dialogue screaming at you to stop, but my feet slowly starting to walk. Inching towards the left side of the pavement because I couldn’t take that risk. What if something happened to my family? What if I caused something bad to happen? I could never shut you out.
You followed me through my teenage years, holding me back from being myself. I conformed to your way of thinking, I did exactly what you said. I thought listening to your lies would make everything better. I was stopping the ‘bad’ things from happening wasn’t I? So the why wasn’t I happy? Why wasn’t I able to function? I was masked by the fake sense of reality you had created. Each day surcoming to your lies and trickery. I couldn’t wear what I wanted, I couldn’t eat what I wanted, I couldn’t be who I wanted to be.
I became you OCD. I lost my identity to you. No longer would I look in the mirror and see Ellen, I would look in the mirror and see OCD. No longer were you that unwanted presence following me, you were me and I couldn’t break free. I had no energy to shove you off anymore, you had me on puppet strings, I was conforming to your every desire. “1, 2, 3, 4. 1, 2, 3, 4. Did you count right? Maybe you didn’t. What. You think you did? Are you sure? Count again. No? I said, COUNT AGAIN.” I saw no escape. I saw no reason to escape. This was my new reality.
You thrived on my weakness. Without resistance, your grip grew stronger. I was suffocated by your veil of deception. Those who cared about me felt helpless. I had built up walls higher than even I could see. I was treading on egg shells with you OCD.
One wrong move and I believed my world would come crashing down. One out of line piece of cutlery, one small step to the right. Huge consequences.
Continue reading at https://ellensocdblog.wordpress.com/2015/07/28/ocd-and-i/ .
And remember, don't forget the handkerchiefs. (Don't say I didn't warn you...)
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